Do you ever stop to observe the patterns in your life, taking note of the repeated occurrences? You know, those moments of ‘hang on, I’ve been here before/done this before/there’s something familiar about this’. Your experiences feel the same just with different people and in a different setting. Kind of like how in my twenties I always seemed to date men who didn’t have a licence or a car. Different man, same experience.
I do this kind of observance a lot – it’s an essential part of my life and personal development and it’s worked well so far. This is how it generally goes: acknowledge my part in the pattern through mediation, counselling, reflection and self awareness. Change what I need to and move on into my glorious new perception and experience of life. Done and dusted right?
Today it hit me. I’m always fixing. Fixing myself. Fixing things where I work. Always fixing. I left my last career partly because I was always fixing. I became known for it and I was good at it. I’d put all my effort into fixing that by the time things were fixed I would need to move onto the next job opportunity only to find that needed fixing too.
And yes there are probably elements of a martyr complex in there but today as I was thinking about my new job, in a new industry, getting frustrated because here I am fixing again, it hit me. Like an epiphany. By being in this constant state of fixing I create a reality of being broken. And by being broken I don’t think I’m ever enough. And this underlies everything I do. Every. Thing.
And in this realisation comes the release.
I am not broken.
I do not need fixing.
I am enough.
Image credit: Aimee Vogelsang