Not Broken

Do you ever stop to observe the patterns in your life, taking note of the repeated occurrences? You know, those moments of ‘hang on, I’ve been here before/done this before/there’s something familiar about this’. Your experiences feel the same just with different people and in a different setting. Kind of like how in my twenties I always seemed to date men who didn’t have a licence or a car. Different man, same experience.

I do this kind of observance a lot – it’s an essential part of my life and personal development and it’s worked well so far. This is how it generally goes: acknowledge my part in the pattern through mediation, counselling, reflection and self awareness. Change what I need to and move on into my glorious new perception and experience of life. Done and dusted right?

Um, yep.

No.

Today it hit me. I’m always fixing. Fixing myself. Fixing things where I work. Always fixing. I left my last career partly because I was always fixing. I became known for it and I was good at it. I’d put all my effort into fixing that by the time things were fixed I would need to move onto the next job opportunity only to find that needed fixing too.

And yes there are probably elements of a martyr complex in there but today as I was thinking about my new job, in a new industry, getting frustrated because here I am fixing again, it hit me. Like an epiphany. By being in this constant state of fixing I create a reality of being broken. And by being broken I don’t think I’m ever enough. And this underlies everything I do. Every. Thing.

And in this realisation comes the release.

I am not broken.

I do not need fixing.

I am enough.

January 2018

Image credit: Aimee Vogelsang